All-Star Weekend: You Know We Got Skills

The Skills Challenge may be the single most divisive part of NBA All-Star Weekend. Some find it to be a riveting look at the little things that make NBA point guards great. Others think it is incredibly boring, especially when compared to fan favorites like the Dunk Contest and the 3-Point Shootout. We here at No Regard think it's a pretty good watch, but we agree that the NBA could do something to spice it up. Namely, add to the course these non-basketball skills there we're modestly proposing. You know, stuff to break up the tedium that folks who aren't junkies might find in dribbling and passing accuracy and whatnot. Below, we've listed five skills we think should be added to this year's Challenge (aka the Taco Bell All-Star 2011 Skills Challenge) immediately, as well as the NBA players—whether point guards or not—who would really own that skill.

First up: Burritos.

New Skill #1: Taco Bell Quad Steak Burrito Eating

Player Who Would Kill this Skill: Jeff Foster

Creepy ol' Jeff Foster may not look like a stuffed tortilla eating champ, but he actually has a lot of things going for him here. First, he was born in San Antonio, home of real-ass Tex-Mexican food. And even though Cali thinks it's got that burrito shit on lock, everything's bigger in Texas, so these little FourSteakos (get it, like FourLoko, dummy) will merely be an amuse bouche. Second, his favorite reality show is The Amazing Race, so we know he is all about giving his all in stupid competitions. And third, we have INDISPUTABLE PROOF that Jeffrey Douglas Foster loves burritos and burrito bowls and all things burrito-related. Jeff, this one is yours to lose. - A. Ain't

New Skill #2: Origami

Player Who Would Kill this Skill: Kobe Bryant

I'm not going to beat around the bush here. Kobe Bryant has tiny hands, like a little baby. Okay, his hands are probably bigger than mine and most babies', but for an NBA player who's not Earl Boykins, those paws are rather minuscule! And while this has historically created ball-handling problems for Black Mamba, it would give him a deadly advantage in an Origami Challenge. Aside from that, Kobe is just the kind of faux-philosopher who would get really into origami to impress some Japanese model he met at a club. Can you speak Italian and do origami at the same time, Kobe? I bet you can! - A. Ain't

New Skill #3: The Greg Oden Obstacle Course

Player Who Would Kill This Skill: Steve Nash

One night I was chillin' in Brooklyn (shocker, a young person was spending time in Brookyln!?). I was looking to seriously get my drink on (another shocker), so we walked down the street to a quaint bodega. Nice. Browsing my options, I happened across a 12-pack of the biggest Coors Light cans I'd ever seen. I've seen tall boys before, but these cans were much larger and thicker. Instantly, Greg Oden came to mind. No particular reason. From that moment forward, I deemed the girthy cans, "Greg Odens," and I've enjoyed them ever since.

In this challenge, the competitor would chug two Greg Oden's as quickly as possible (no easy feat, let me tell you) and then run through an obstacle course. Think "American Gladiators," except instead of busting through a wall at the end, the NBA player would have to jump over Oden, whose sitting on the court in an arm chair. Naturally, Nash is an incredible competitor, fit and such a good drinker that I'm convinced he'd dominate. The challenger has to be Brad Miller, who according to Chris Ballard and his phenominal book The Art of a Beautiful Game, participates in an annual Beer Olympics with his buddies. Great stuff, Miller. - P. Brownell

New Skill #4: Fix the CBA Pitch

Player Who Would Kill this Skill: LeBron James

After listening to Commisioner Stern on Bill Simmon's podcast, the reality of the potential lock-out is upsetting me. I don't like it one bit. Thus the motivation for this contest. Here's the idea: Players would be given 30 minutes to present a proposal of how to complete deal before the deadline. Participants are provided one computer with Powerpoint, access to all the important financial information, and one hour.

While I do worry about Maverick Carter's influence here, LeBron's clearly a solid businessman and best equipped for this challenge. His heartless move down south proved that he doesn't let silly feelings or nostalgia get in the way of what he deems necessary for success, and he's got charisma for days. Plus, if he started to feel that he was losing the audience, he could just grab a ball and turn the pitch into his own personal dunk contest, thereby satiating everyone in the world who just wants to see the man compete in a goddamn dunk contest already. - P. Brownell

New Skill #5: Weezer Karaoke Contest

Player Who Would Kill this Skill: Derrick Favors

This one's really just wishful thinking coming from a Nets fan who's growing a bit concerned by Favors' laissez faire attitude on the court. The guy's got barrels full of athleticism and basketball acumen, but he looks dead out there most of the time. Maybe this is simply his character, but my guess is that his emotional side was hampered a bit growing up an Atlanta athlete; he just isn't comfortable tapping in to his truest feelings. But if Favors could hide behind a young Rivers Cuomo and emote on stage at All-Star Saturday Night using a few gems from The Blue Album and Pinkerton, he might finally break out of his cocoon of calmness and hit the court post-All-Star break like a giant mech-butterfly who eats basketballs and gets double-doubles with vicious ease. Choice cuts would be "In the Garage" and "The Good Life."

But in all reality, Dwight or Duncan would run away with this. Those dudes like to whine and would murder some "Pink Triangle" or "Getchoo" without concern. And something tells me Kyrylo Fesenko can get down to some post-Green Album awfulness like it's nobody's business. - A. Abides