Christmas Eve for a Jew

I wouldn't really know, to be honest. I celebrated both Christmas and Hanukkah, because my parents loved me. But for some unfortunate others, Christmas Eve is a night where there is excitement in the air, excitement they can feel but that they know will not result in any tangible gains for them personally. This feeling, I imagine, is very similar to what I feel like right now as a Knicks fan.

So in basketball holiday world, I know that Santa isn't coming, and the best I can hope for at this point is that my parents, Donnie and Mike, leave me a little something near the fireplace so that I don't feel left out. "We know all your friends will be getting things today, so we bought you this Amar'e and polished your David Lee doll." I will feel left out, though, because for the next few weeks, all my classmates are going to be talking about how awesome their presents are and how much fun they're having at their house.

Maybe things will turn out differently. Maybe Donnie and Mike (I call them by their first names when I'm mad at them) will sneak out and buy a tree in the middle of the night, and they'll take all the gifts they've been hiding in the closet for weeks and lay them out for my joy and wonderment. Maybe I'll wake up and I'll get to feel like one of the normal kids. You know, one whose parents listen to what he wants and try their best to get it for him.

Oh fuck it. You never stop being Jewish, even if you buy yourself Christmas presents. And you never stop being a Knicks fan, even if you buy yourself a bottle of whiskey and try to forget.

Bibby's World: Period Pieces

Don't know how we locked this down, but we'd like to introduce you to No Regard's newest blogging sensation... Mike Bibby! He'll be checking in whenever he can, just to remind us: It's Bibby's World, we just live in it!

Today, I woke up with nothing to do. It's been one of those days where I actually had time to floss, and 'listening to music' was a solitary activity I engaged in for over an hour. So, I'm sure you'll understand when I say that I watched the unrated version of the teen road trip, sex-romp comedy Sex Drive and the 19th Century romantic drama Bright Star in a back-to-back double-feature from the comfort of my king size bed. Which brings me to this picture:

Flopper's Paradise

What do Cristiano Ronaldo, Derek Fisher and a beached flounder have in common? You guessed it: Their tendency to flop. After watching almost every NBA playoff game and now the FIFA World Cup, I've concluded that play-acting is extremely problematic to the flow and popularity of both sports. Soccer's way of combating feigning injury and over-exaggerating contact is by disciplining the athletes, in the case of a clear flop the ref is required to promptly hand out a yellow card. Roundball has no equivalent. The following presents two possible solutions for the NBA front office to consider that might stifle the growing, and certainly negative, trend of ballers doing their best Ronaldo impressions.

Stern could go the soccer route and hand out technical fouls as punishment for a flop. However, the line between a flop and a legitimate fall or foul is not necessarily black and white. Ballers are massive, freakishly large men moving at speeds and in capacities normal folk rarely get to see in person. Giving officials the right to hand out Ts whenever they believe a player is pretending could open up Pandora's box and cause serious controversies.

What about fines? Stern could create an "NBA Anti-Flopping" committee whose job it is to review tape after games on potential flops and determine if in fact the suspected party purposely play-acted on a given play. If it's clear beyond doubt that there was a flop, then hit their wallets hard. Thereafter, the more a player flops, the higher his fines get in the future. Eventually, if a certain number of fines were assessed, the league could suspend the serial "striped bass fighting for his life" impersonator for a game or two.

The latter solution appears to be the more effective method. The stigma attached with being tagged as a documented flopper might be enough alone to deter players. No doubt, street cred would decrease for the league's most fined floppers. Combine that with less dollars in their pockets and possible suspensions, and the Derek Fishers of the league might think twice before they fling their bodies on the hardwood after merely being breathed on.

If You See Something, Say Something

[Photo by Josh Cruey]

IYSSSS is our semi-regular Internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Orlando Sentinel Blog [via @jeskeets]: Oh, that picture up there? It's Dwight Howard at the grand opening of Universal Studios' Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Why do you ask?

Slam Online: As long as Slam keeps posting videos of NBA players on stage at hip-hop shows, so will we. "If you like that defense make some noooiissseee!"

Bullets Forever [via Ball Don't Lie]: The slogan for John Wall's first Reebok shoe is "The energy drink for your feet." Exclamation point and question mark!? Because even though that doesn't mean anything, it's kind of perfect. And the sneakers themselves are like a glow-in-the-dark (honestly) throwback to the mid-'90s classic Shaqnosis shoes. Between these and KD's new Zooms, the current NBA sneaker landscape is strong. Your move Wesley Johnson.

Ball Don't Lie: Great piece by Trey Kerby that sums up the current free agent atmosphere almost as well as our own Endless Pat.

Yahoo! Sports: So not only did Kobe's otherworldly drive rub off on teammates like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James at the 2008 Olympics, but on a 21-year-old Lionel Messi as well. This should be Kobe's retirement plan: Become some sort of nomadic, mystical motivational speaker who jets around the world, pushing superstars to become legends.

The Draft We Were

The NBA Draft is supposed to answer a lot of questions. Questions about the futures of franchises, the futures of players, the futures of teams, and the future of the league. Maybe it's the big pink elephant that's sitting here until at least July 1, but I seem to have more questions after last Thursday's proceedings than I ever have before. Here are five of them.

1. Will this end up being the most productive top five picks ever?

No one is saying this is the best overall draft class. That would be dumb. Because 2003. And 1996. And 1984. But each one of those drafts had at least one top five player who turned out to be mediocre, or in Shareef's case, disappointing on some level. There is a chance that these five, regardless of the mistakes re: their internal ordering, could be the most successful, expectation-meeting group of all time. If anything, Wes Johnson could mess that up.

2. What are the chances that the Warriors and Ekpe Udoh prove everyone wrong?

Now that we're out of the top five, shit gets murky. The Warriors were the only team in the top 10 who would have taken Udoh. And they did. And everyone thinks they are big dummies. But what if Udoh's maturity is a boon, and what if he develops into a stronger offensive weapon because of the misguided talent out in The City? Could happen.

3. Why do the Knicks hate me?

Andy Rautins was the one player drafted who I have seen play in person (the 2009 Big East Final). So I've seen him play at Madison Square Garden. Which was fine, when the Orangemen were getting whooped by Louisville. Nice effort, Andy, ya know? It will not be fine when the Knicks are getting whooped by everyone because they don't have LeBron and Bosh, David Lee feels uncared for, and they used their picks on Rautins and some Ivy Leaguer. Stanley Robinson. Tiny Gallon. Lance Stephenson. Jesus Christ.

4. Who do the Spurs consistently have to blow to get these guys to fall to them?

After the DeJuan Blair drop of 2009, the Sprus this year managed to get their hands on James Anderson, who is sure to be a very good player in the NBA. Is it just that everything, including levels of common sense, is truly bigger in Texas? Does the boringness of that franchise translate to smart, logical decisions that other teams are afraid of making, lest they seem just as boring? Seriously, someone stop this from happening next year.

5. Does Stuart Scott have tenure with ABC Sports? Does anyone still enjoy listening to him and his constant inanity?

"Wouldn't you say that the team with the number one pick is in the best position tonight?"

Question of the Day

What's the term for the form of blue balls that NBA fans will suffer if LeBron and every other free agent not named Chris Bosh just stay put?

The Case for Dallas

Let's start here by putting a few cards on the table.

1) I love Dallas. I love Dirk Nowitzki and his off-balance rainbow fadeaway. I love Mark Cuban being a 12-year-old dodgeball captain of an owner with an infinite allowance. I love Jet Terry, even when he punches people in the crotch (if not especially then).

2) Like everyone else at No Regard (and anyone with pulse and a television set), I love LeBron. He is the King of Wow and watching him play is the most consistently exciting thing in sports today.

But that's not the point here. While I'm far from unique in my wishing for the King to reign in my home team's realm, the point is this: I'm right.

That's right, you heard it hear first. I'm saying it publicly and bluntly: LeBron James will wear a Mavericks jersey next season. Why not? Let's set aside the near impossible sign-and-trade scenario necessary to bring this about and have some fun in Conjecture Town.

Question of the Day

[Photo credit: Getty Images]

I'll admit, I'm one of the few here at No Regard who didn't watch the draft. Sometimes you just have to go see Phish. (But I did hear some Evan Turner chants in the lot before the show, which was right outside Philly.) But that picture up there is all I need to know.

Wesley Johnson clearly has the goods, but does he have the determination, disposition and stamina necessary to lead a league already heavy with Amar'e and Wade into a new epoch of fashion?

Oh Snap! Judgments: Max's First Round Reactions

We will have many thoughts to come on the draft, but for tonight, we'd like to present you with Max's take on the evening. We haven't heard much from Max, but he was very excited about the draft, so he decided he would track his thoughts as he watched. Unfortunately, Max got sleepy around 9:30, so he didn't make it too far. Without further ado:

I can’t contain myself. I’m like the Hyundai tent event. If the NBA offseason is like a meal (and in this offseason’s case, the best meal the NBA has ever served) tonight is the appeteaser before the main course a week from now. We at No Regard know somewhere in between everything-about-college-basketball-ever and nothing, but dear lord are we invested.

1 – Wizards –John Wall – Snooze fest

2 – Illadelph – Evan Turner – Knock knock… who’s there? Evan Turner. Evan Turner who?
Evan Turner, aren’t you glad I didn’t say Derrick Favors?

3 – Netsies – Derrick Favors – SERIOUS frontcourt.

4 – Timberwolves – Wesley Johnson – Can’t you just hear the string of curses going on in his head?

5 – Kings – Demarcus Cousins – I’m gonna go out on a limb… he’s going to be a stud. Everyone has an attitude problem when they are 19-20 years old and playing for the best college team in the nation. If anything it just proves he’s got an edge, and color me crazy but I gotta think that everyone saying he’s a headcase is going to motivate him, which is dangerous becous (wink), save Wall, Cousins has the highest ceiling in the draft. He and Evans should be entertaining as hell next year and for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, the Sacramento local announcers are about the most fun, one-sided people to hear call a game – tune in next year.

p.s. Cousins is gonna tear it up in fantasy as long as your league doesn’t count fouls and Ts.

Let's Make a Mockery

This is a different kind of mock draft. First, we have basically ignored all of the big rumors from the last couple days. We think it would be boring to move Ekpe Udoh up just because apparently reliable sources say he's definitely going to the Warriors. We think that would be a dumb pick, and so we're leaving him down where we've had him for a week. For example. Also, we've tried to tap into the spirits of these guys, giving some insight into how some of them will react to hearing their name called and how others will get on with their new teammates and coaches. Characters, you know? It's going to be a fun night, and we hope this mock draft will get you even more excited.

1. Washington Wizards- John Wall, PG, Kentucky
Wall is an interesting case. Derrick Rose's performance over the past two years has served as a reminder that drafting a point guard (especially one who plays like Rose) with the #1 can pay off. But Wall will be going into a broken system in Washington, and his talent might be the kind that can't survive on a planet without water. The best-case scenario here, though, is insanely good. Wall could be easily be an All-Star this year, and an MVP within five.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Do I need to get rid of my guns?"

Team Bestie: Gil. I could honestly see these two having a great time together.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Lil' Flip

2. Philadelphia 76ers- Evan Turner, SG, Ohio State
This one won't be a surprise. It is tempting to say that Turner will end up being another Durant--a No. 2 pick that goes on to torment the team that passed him up. While there's no reason to think that Wall will be as tragic a case as Oden, something about Turner's maturity makes him seem more poised to make a big difference in the long-term.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Glad I don't have to act surprised, because leaving my comfort zone scares me."

Team Bestie: Andre Iguodala. They will watch Pixar movies together and maybe even drink a couple beers if they're feeling crazy. But mostly just Pixar movies.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Doug Funny

3. New Jersey Nets- Derrick Favors, PF, Georgia Tech
Even though word is the Nets are leaning toward Wes Johnson, the Georgia Tech big man is the only way to go here. He has the chance to be an insanely dominant forward. Could end up making the earth sick.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "I wonder if those Prokhorov prostitute party claims are true."

Team Bestie: Yi. Bonding over noodles.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Squeaks

4. Minnesota Timberwolves- Wesley Johnson, SF, Syracuse
Johnson's body type is similar to that of Kerry Kittles, and his years at Syracuse sort of resembled Kittles' Villanova days. Unfortunately, I'm not sure Johnson will ever have any more impact than Kittles did. Not a bad choice, but not gonna make any team a title contender in the foreseeable future.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Can't be colder than Syracuse, right?"

Team Bestie: Kevin Love. Kevin Love is very funny, and Wesley Johnson likes to laugh until he has to pee:












5. Sacramento Kings- DeMarcus Cousins, PF/C, Kentucky
Cousins could fall anywhere in this draft from third to an episode of "Criss Angel Mindfreak," that's just the kind of upside vs. mental collapse toolkit he's working with. The Nets may take a chance at number three, but they'd rather not goad the poltergeist of Derrick Coleman into traveling to Newark with them; they want him to stay in the swamps. But Cousins is too talented to fall further than five, so (maybe) sorry Kings.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "I wonder if those Prokhorov prostitute party claims are true."

Secret Nickname For Coach: Old guy I need to remember who's not named "Mr. Maloof"

Question of the Day

Chris Paul's name is spilling out of Worldwide Wes' Rocawear bag today. According to Wes, if you want to sign LeBron James, it would help if you had Chris Paul. Yes, in pursuit of LeBron, it would be beneficial if you had the best point guard in the world on your team who also happens to be one of Bron's best friends. Also, there will be weather today, and always just be willing to trade for great players if you're a GM. It's a disappointingly tepid "news" story on the precipice of a free agency period that's supposed to resemble a vintage Twisted Metal death match. I though things were going to get crazy.

So, question: As we near July 1, will the free agency rumors and news become increasing believable and boring, or can we expect unreliable sources like Charles Oakley's Twitter account to keep the carnival atmosphere alive?

If You See Something, Say Something

Sports Illustrated: The late Manute Bol was not only a steadfast humanitarian and supreme shot-blocker, the man was also photogenic as hell. A remarkable photo gallery.

NBA.com: Chris Bosh: "...I think every kid when they dream about playing basketball, they don't dream about being a role player. They dream about being the man. I have that position in Toronto and to give that up and go somewhere else to be an addition would kinda defeat the purpose of my dreams." Well, Chris, then you have an inflated sense of your talent and a poor understanding of the design of championship teams. Did you have trouble seeing those playoff games you went to this year through your sunglasses?

FreeDarko: Guest journalism about Ricky Rubio's unhappy draft night in 2009, directly from the man who assisted Rubio that entire night.

Slam Online: Drake bringing Kobe onstage. Mamba doesn't overstay his welcome like LeBron did. And he reminds everyone how many rings he has, which LeBron did not do. Unfortunately, Drake didn't let Kobe perform this gem.

Forbes Most Disliked Athletes List [via D.C. Sports Bog]: Gilbert's fall depresses me almost as much as Penny or Grant Hill's injuries did. But the bigger story here: WHY IS IVERSON ON THIS LIST? That's how much his image scared people back when he was actually popular? For the casual sports fan of 2010 to place him on the same list as a man who senselessly killed dogs, a man who cheated on his wife at least hundreds of times and a quarterback who cannot plug his boat's leak while sailing the sea of sleaze means that they really must have had strong feelings about his fucking cornrows. (Look, I know that Iverson's been involved in some unfavorable situations similar to these other guys, but I'm assuming that the people polled don't and I know that's a reasonable assumption.)

Bol

NBA Happy Hour: Ron Artest (Obviously)

[Photo courtesy TMZ, if you couldn't tell.]

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.

We couldn't have gotten two greater gifts for the inaugural "NBA Happy Hour" post. Watch the two following videos in order and...

Drink any time:

Question of the Day

With Kendrick Perkins injured, Brian Scalabrine was asked to dress for Game 7. He entered the game twice for a matter of seconds. He did nothing seriously heroic, and his team did not win, but did we witness "his moment?" Were we watching the most significant sixty seconds of a man's life on national television?

The Blessing

The Glory

Game 7 Preview: One to Ring

Here we are, a few hours away from the end of the 2009-2010 NBA season. What to say, what to say? How about I let Ron Artest explain the particulars [from J.A. Andande's ESPN piece]:

"We're the last two teams left in a Game 7," Artest said. "It's amazing."

It's the first seventh game in the NBA Finals since the San Antonio Spurs beat the Detroit Pistons in 2005.

"Really?" Artest said. "Seven? The Pistons? To Game 7? That was probably pretty intense. Was it in San Antonio?"

What exactly does Ron Artest know? Nevermind.

I guess the stale question is this: How did we get here? I honestly don't know. The regular season ended so long ago I don't actually remember anything from it other than what other writers say happened. But while what goes down in the regular season doesn't always carry into the playoffs, what happens in the playoffs most certainly carries into the following regular season. But does it extend further than that? Does one game change legacies?

If You See Something, Say Something: Finals Game 7 Preview

Photo: Marcel Mutoni

Marcel Mutoni's Twitpics: Amazing, amazing pictures from press day at the Staples Center. Like Pau taking an escalator. Or Rondo's slippers (up top).

Rajon Rondo Twitter: Getting excited...

TrueHoop: Phil Jackson makes his players meditate before games. It's like he read a biography of himself and thought, "I wonder how Phil Jackson would prepare his players for big games... Oh, mediation. I'm a caricature of myself." Interesting read nonetheless.

Slam Online: A slew of rambunctious quotes from the players. Can't decide if Artest or Baby wins here. Baby: “We were the prey (in Game 6), and they ate us real bad.” Artest: “I don’t notice the crowd. Definitely not when I’m out there playing.”

Charles Oakley Twitter: Oak speaks that Carl Weathers. Admittedly, this one isn't about game 7. Can't win them all.

Question of the Day

What are the chances of this man winning the 2010 Finals MVP? Seriously. They're not zero, right?

League Changes Playoff Format, Finals Game 7 to be a Beer Pong Tournament

Thursday, June 17 - In a shocking break from precedent, the NBA announced late Wednesday that they would be changing the format of their playoff system effective immediately. With just one game remaining to decide the 2009-2010 League Champion, the questions were many. At a press conference late last night, Commissioner David Stern tried to assuage frantic members of the media:

"We have been discussing the need for a change in the format of playoff basketball for quite some time now and we feel that there is no better time to implement it than now."

The uproar was immediate, but Stern persisted. "Look, we've figured out that the game is just way too difficult to officiate. The players get too intense and it ends up being a situation where nobody's having fun, and the losing team gets really bummed out. We've figured out a way for everyone to win. Plus, we're tired of everyone getting mad at us."

When asked if this decision was related to the frequency of the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers competing in the Finals, Stern was vague. "My interest in this series has been lackluster. One of our summer interns actually proposed the idea for the change, and it sounded fun to see this settled differently this year."

Speculation is rampant given the drastic nature of these changes. Starting lineups are up in the air as coaches scramble to assess players' ability and tolerance for alcohol. Rumors from the Celtics camp are beginning to surface, and it is heavily suspected that Brian Scalabrine will be relied upon as the Boston's primary scoring option. Glen "Big Baby" Davis, exposed recently as a drool liability, may be declared inactive due to health concerns. Rajon Rondo, allegedly uninterested in recreational drinking, has asked Doc Rivers if he may be excused from competition to practice behind-the-back passes.

When asked some hard-hitting questions regarding the integrity of professional basketball and the league's youth-friendly image, Stern was ornery. "Listen pal, why don't we just wait and see how this goes." The commissioner then tried to go off the record to allege that he was "Pretty buzzed right now."

Tonight will be a different game. How will it go? Who will win? Will a new Finals MVP emerge? Post your comments below.

Question of the Day

Does Tom Izzo's decision to stay at MSU actually reveal anything about LeBron's likely plans?

Finals Game 6: Candace Parker

Opportunity knocked for the Celtic's in game 6.

Candace Parker's husband and his first touch of the game answered.

Want to sum up a potential banner winning Tuesday for Boston in one highlight? Watch Candace Parker's husband brick a wide-open dunk late in the 2nd quarter right after he checked in.

Trying to figure out the countless missed lay-ups, dunks, gimmes and jumpers by the Cs? Remember that Candace Parker's husband clanged a dunk in which no Laker was near him right after Perkins went down.

Discussing Kobe's performance? Was Kobe. Pau? Hit left-handed shots. Artest? Didn't punch a human being. Bynum? Did stuff.

Looking for a prediction for game 7? No clue. Take Candace Parker over Candace Parker's husband in a pick-up game? Yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UCHxxjLnN4

If You See Something, Say Something

[Photo: Andrew Mills/The Star-Ledger]

IYSSSS is our semi-regular Internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Star-Ledger Photo Gallery (via NetsDaily): Why not just let these two guys have a crack at that oil spill?

Yahoo Sports (via Slam): No matter how negotiations for a new Collective Bargaining Agreement pan out, it's clear that this is going to get a whole lot messier before anything is resolved.

FreeDarko: The most talented NBA writer on the most talented NBA player playing basketball in June 2010. This piece is the equivalent of Kobe going off in that third quarter.

"I had a major breakthrough: Physically, Rondo isn't an alien, or a dinosaur. He's an alien-dinosaur. Or, as Kevin corrected, a dinosaur-alien. Alien-dinosaur would just be a space lizard; dinosaur-alien is creature from other realms overlaid with the qualities of a raptor. This is the first of several times I will repeat this statement: This is no physical being like Rondo. Yes, his arms are long, his speed beyond speech. But there's also his wiry strength, his internal gyroscope (at its best when spooling along with a bit of wobble), those impossibly broad shoulders, calculating gaze, and a face too smooth and empty for this town.

We are nearly arrived at the point of actual basketball. There's a pause here, a beat, and then no turning back. Here's what astounds me most about Rajon Rondo: He is pure style, with an almost nasty disregard for formalism."

Steve Nash YouTube Video: From itsrhymetime: "I love that Steve Nash is 36 years old and yet he still loves making short films with the fervor of a teenager. This commercial, along with his Avatar spoof, make me wonder if Alvin Gentry is instituting the league's first mandatory film history course."

Another Steve Nash YouTube Video: We'll double dip. Steve Nash plays a douchey version of himself who berates Robin Lopez for missing passes and not being as awesome as Steve Nash. He also wears inexplicably tight jeans and forces his crotch in Fropez's face the entire time. The title: Balls Talk.

Finals Game 5: Kobe Searches for Missing Teammates

Rondo's rebounding is just confusing Pau Gasol now. As he reached over top the Spaniard in the fourth to poke in a putback with his ET fingers, Pau looked around as if a sudden gust of wind had played a mean trick on him. You may be surprised to learn that Rondo's hands, and I looked this up, are 48 inches long. Each. Also his ball fakes are like porn. But dirtier.

Game 5 was a return to the dictatorial reign of Rondo over the pace of the game. Nate Robinson brought his signature brand of terrier ball with moments of selflessness that were atypical and, frankly, touching. Almost nothing about L.A. looked even remotely awake.

Astonishingly enough, it stayed close and more than a little fun to watch. This is almost solely due to the mythological performance of the Mamba, who reminded us that every once in a while, he forgets how to miss. The craziest thing about watching him raise up and hit impossible shot after impossible shot is that you start registering surprise when he does miss. "What happened there?" You think. "Oh yes, there was a guard in his face and a forward inside of him when he shot."

I'll leave you to look forward to Game 6 with a few free association thoughts I had while watching the game:

-Phil Jackson refuses to follow Kobe's orders: "Let me guard him" re: Pierce. Relatively certain that Phil will backhand him after the game with a 5-ringed hand to remind him who's Sith lord and who's the apprentice. Then he'll make him kiss all five rings on the other hand.

Headline from tomorrow - Phil Jackson puts the Lakers' bench up for bidding on eBay. Opening bid: $6 or best offer.

-Flopfest 2010, Headliner: Derek Fisher. Also don't miss hot new acts like Ron Artest with his hit single "Pushed by a 90-pound Point Guard: Forget Physics."

-Tony Allen just blocked Pau Gasol into the backboard. No joke here, that actually just happened.

-If I see one more sports writer use the phrase "The Truth will set you free," I'm buying a gun.

Finals Game 4: Babys R Us

"Because this is what legends are made of. This is where you grasp the moment. Immortality. This is all you can do right now." -Glen Davis

The ravings of a madman are perhaps all that can be used to describe this game. Everything about it seemed backwards. Despite being completely outplayed, the Celtics snuck past the Lakers and tied up the Finals. Their salvation did not come from men nicknamed Jesus or Truth, but rather from the one they call Big Baby, and a sidekick who coincidentally looks like a Baby.

For the most part, this game looked like it was was being played on a Tuesday night in December. With the exception of Kobe, the entire Lakers squad seemed to want to excuse themselves for the evening. They passed too much, shot too little, and seemed to hope someone else would win the game for them. Well some other guys did win the game, but they were wearing green.

Going into this series I assumed we'd eventually see a night where the Big 3 crumbled and Rondo went limp and Sheed locked himself in foul jail. What I would not have guessed is that the dynamic duo surfacing to spearhead the effort to win this game would have been Glen Davis and Nate Robinson. It was a remarkable sight to behold, and their post-game interviews are among my favorite things to come out of this finals so far. Davis grimaced at the microphone, concentrating so hard, as though he'd practiced this speech (the nonsense in italics above) since he was a kid. When Nate came on, he had a towel rolled around his neck and tucked into his shirt the way my mom used to do when I got out of swim lessons. The absolute jubilation in their faces won me over. I forgot entirely that before last night I'd really only mildly disliked these two players.

There may very well never be a night like that again. Nate and Baby will not be tearing it up anytime soon, the Lakers are never caught sleeping twice. The Big Four were given a pass last night, but on Sunday they'll be back in LA, and naptime will be over.

Antiheroics

Derek Fisher's performance in Game 3 was inspiring. It inspired me to swear heavily, throw several things I was holding, and weep. That was Write on the Funny!

But seriously (ugh, sorry), Fisher turned in the kind of late-game superprowess that brings to mind the past exploits of Reggie Miller and Robert Horry. These are the kinds of players who (excluding Miller, to some extent) are not superstars, but who are almost more feared than the Jordans or the Kobes when there are less than three minutes on the clock. They are guys whose value is rarely thought about until they, time and again, come through in the clutch and give their team a spark that is hard to control and nearly impossible to counter. Fisher has the added impact of emotional appeal, best displayed by his fourth quarter entrance after leaving his ill daughter's bed a few years back and his overjoyed post-game interview on Tuesday. Even when talking about his own clutchness, he plays the role of Moral Orel.

The combination of this good-guy persona and the individual underdog triumph should make me love these players. Yet I often end up rooting against them more intensely than even the players who perform like this all the time. There are two major reasons for this, so far as I can tell.

Say Queensbridge

"'Five Dollar Foot-long' is one of the best songs. That's a hot song. You've got the FreeCreditReport.com, and then 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on. When 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club." -Ron Artest

When Jason Richardson watched Kobe's airball for a second too long, allowing an offensive rebound and put-back, killing the Suns for the summer, I sent a text message to a few people: "At least it was Artest." If the only team left worth rooting for was going to get the boot, best by the hand of the NBA's mad prince.

That phrase—"At least it's Artest"—sums up my feelings on these finals. Because there's not a finals match-up that I could imagine being less pleased with. I've never been able to contextualize history, so the "classic rivalry" angle leaves me limp. And I get that it's "good for the league" and whatever else you want to "put inside quotes," but watching two teams that always win battle to see who can win again is awful. Depressing stats: Only eight different teams have won a championship since 1980; the Lakers or Celtics have won 13 times in those 30 years and at least one of the two teams has appeared in 17 of those finals.

They are both detestable, but the Lakers are the team to root for here. Why?

Bleeding hearts of the world UNITE!

Well, it's June and we're running out of options. The question we ask tonight is the same we've been asking for ten months: really, seriously, who is going to beat the Lakers? We've reasoned it out, convincing ourselves that almost any team, the Magic, Mavs, Thunder, or Suns could somehow pull it off, could save us from the collective yawn, the mind-numbing apathy of another post-Laker victory summer.

Now we look to our favorite Green Henchmen to save us. Not a month ago we were gleefully mocking the C's with our movie analogies. Yet tonight we implore, we beg them to rescue us from the smug Phil Jackson Press Conferences, from the douchey Kobe smiles and five-ring photo shoots, and from the harrowing proof that this league, renowned for surprises and upsets, can indeed be as predictable as a telenovela.

I don't care if the Celtics are ever a good team again. I don't care who plays or whether Ubuntu is involved, I don't care if this is an ugly, last ditch effort fueled by Rogaine and Bengay, I just want for the eyes in my face to see proof that somebody can beat this Lakers team.

One thing is certain, you cannot beat the Lakers on accident. The Thunder didn't have the experience, the Jazz lacked the talent, and the Suns just couldn't put it all together. But the Celtics could be different. Hell, they beat the Lakers recently, and that was before Rajon Rondo "hatched." Sure, it was also before the Big Three started aging in dog years, and before their front office started saying things like, "Hey Guys, Meet Rasheed."

The Lakers have been playing like it's Christmas in June. I know one guy who can end that. I'll give you a hint, he's green.

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular Internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Brain On Funk: Amazing how Doc Funk was able to get on that space station with Jay-Z and Prokhorov.

Slam Magazine [via FD]: Preview of Lang Whitaker's cover story on Rondo. "I didn’t watch the NBA until maybe my freshman year of college, because I was trying to get there. It just wasn’t interesting to me." Says he never saw Jordan, never saw Garnett, never saw Hakeem. Makes sense in that his aesthetics are wholly unique and his approach is so blue-collar, but he just keeps moving further down the list of players I'd want to hang out with. Let's all pinky swear to buy this issue when it hits newsstands, underline all our favorite parts and keep it under our pillows.

Slam Magazine: LeBron on stage with Drake. Is LeBron so timid about throwing up the Roc because he doesn't want to offend Drake's Young Money sensibilities or because he suddenly realizes he's not entirely sure what he's supposed to do at a hip-hop show? Because he's a basketball player and all. (He is, right?) I hope he signs with No Limit Records in July instead of an NBA team and records "Make 'Em Say Uhh! Pt. II" featuring Mystikal and Troy Hudson, with Artest dropping Jeezy-level ad-libs.

Don Cannon/ Vitamin Water "Mixtape": In case you wanted to hear all the stale "reasons" why LeBron should/will come to [insert team with cap space here] spit by Jadakiss, Mikey Rocks and others (seriously, doesn't matter who), that's what this is. They all rhyme way too literally here, but Mikey Rocks drives home one thing we can all agree on: "Just no more rings for L.A./Nah, no more rings for L.A."

The No-Look Pass [via BDL]: Ignoring the urge to try to figure out if I would think this was gross if it was an NFL player wearing a comparable shirt. Because it's not. It's Kevin Durant and it's hilarious.

Bibby's World: A Cool Thing

As a huge fan of computers and the movie Minority Report, I find this video to be something out of my own personal fantasy. But what does this have to do with Basketball or friendship? Simple:

Life > Friendship > Basketball

This Machine will change Life.

Machine > Life; therefore,

Machine > Friendship + Basketball

People are always saying, "Who knows what the future holds?" I'll tell you: It's me playing Sega Genesis emulators with motion sensor gloves on.

This Summit Ain't No High Point

NOTE: As I was finishing the following post, news broke that there will be no summit. Whatever. My opinion still stands and it's not like these guys aren't talking in a less official capacity.

While I am (not) sure that Andrew will be getting us ready for Thursday with an extended post on why Celtics-Lakers is a big old crock of horse shit that smells like poop and puts his pretty little head right to sleep, I would like to gripe about the current NBA event that people actually care about.

So Amar'e is in on the conspiracy. He is going to attend this "summit" and take part in a conversation that will apparently shape the foreseeable future of the NBA. He is going to sit in some secret lair with his four besties and talk about where he wants to go for his all expenses paid extended vacation. I, for one, hope that he and Misters James, Johnson, Wade and Bosh all get very lost on the day of that planned summit.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, I don't like it, not one bit. There are plenty of reasons why someone like me should find this kind of thing positive and exciting. First, it's just kind of cool to think about these guys gathering for anything, really. Also, the more people involved with this talk, the better chance my Knicks will be able to land LeBron +1. Plus, the traditional free agent game--with the all-powerful teams courting players and crafting deals that make decisions seem solely money-based--is not really something to mourn when it is absent.

And yet, I just straight-up hate the idea of this summit. I hate the fact that these players can collectively decide to make the Eastern Conference even more top-heavy. I hate that they are all sort of giving the finger to their current teams, at least in a more visible way than free agents have tended to do in the past. But honestly, my real problem here comes down to the fact that I still have some crazy notion that opponents should try to win against each other to the point where they could not really be friends. Next season, when I see Wade and Bron or Bosh and Amare going head to head, I will be thinking about how they collectively decided that these were the matchups that would occur. It will seem contrived and just a little too...friendly.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned and maybe my NBA mythology is a little too much based on a warrior model, but goddammit, I would at least like to pretend that these guys don't get to plan out the next five years of the league based on the buddy system.

Troy's Bucket

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket."


Before we jump into this "historic" journey that is the 2010 NBA finals (the equivalent of two billionaires fighting for $1,000,000), let's give proper respect to your favorite team that's not your favorite team: The Phoenix Suns.

This movie match-up thing is close to it's breaking point (and we are all thankful we only have one left), but this one just might be optimistic enough to work. Getting some pleasantries out of the way: Nash looked like Sloth after getting hit in the eye, but is Mikey to the death. Amar'e is Corey Feldman. Grant Hill is Oscar-worthy in the Josh Brolin role of older brother who's not sure if they're allowed to be doing this. Leondro is Data and I guess Dudley gets requests for the Truffle Shuffle? Steve Kerr is Mikey's dad, ignoring his son's desire for stability and only thinking business. And whoa: Phil Jackson is Ma Fratelli.


Whatever, this is not about how they match up to the movie, this is about the feeling you first got watching Nash on the Suns and about how that era might be ending.