Round 1 Coming Attractions: Boston-Miami

We here at No Regard love our stories. And the playoffs are where each narrative strand that was teased in the regular season is shredded or affirmed. So, here are the first round series as we see them. Thank you.

[Open mic night in a quiet Union City bar. Pete appears on stage, giddy and ready to decimate the crowd.] Good evening ladies, germs, Germans and Jeromes.

Hey, isn’t it weird that almost the entire Celtics roster, with the exception of Rondo, Glen Davis, Kryptonate and Kendrick Perkins, were alive during prohibition in America? [Crickets chirp.] Prohibition, the 1930s. Okay... uh, it’s also weird that their coach is aptly named Doc, after the oldest of the seven dwarves. [Heavyset man, 30s, shifts uncomfortably in front row.] And... it’s even weirder that a bunch of grumpy old men are about to beat a Miami Heat team featuring one of the league’s top four players: Dwyane "Don't call me Dwayne" Wade. Despite recently being sighted at a bingo game, Pierce, Allen and KG are about to prove that [affects a hackneyed Jim Carrey voice] senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, still can serve a purpose.

Sure, they collect social security checks every week, but this Celtics team can still defend. That hard-nosed, old-school defense, literally. [A lot more silence. Pete shakes as he loosens his tie.] Pierce sneakily remains one of the best on-the-ball defenders around and has acutely worked his cane into his defensive skill set. His walking cane... So, uh, don’t be surprised to see #34 on #3 during fourth quarters of close games, assuming Paul remembered to take all of his medication that morning.

And KG, while now sporting a Bill Russell salt-and-pepper beard, still slams his head on the post of the hoop 12 times before the game and can handle the underwhelming, and many years his junior, front court of the Miami Heat (Jermaine O'Neal is but a babe at 31). And even though Rondo didn’t walk up hills both ways 20 miles in the snow to school like the rest of his teammates (jeez Michael Finley, we've heard this story enough times, thank you very much!), his quickness and massive hands make him a threat to have three steals a game this playoff series.

Celtics fans have two things to fear facing off against Miami. The first is Dwyane Wade, who will win the Miami Heat three games by himself. The second is that it’s very possible many of their players will forget to leave their off-season Florida homes, missing the series altogether! [One woman in the back boos loudly. A bottle careens towards the stage, shattering several feet to the right of Pete. He soldiers on.] I don’t think a starting five of Rondo, Davis, Robinson, Scal and Perk can beat this Miami team. And 90-year-olds tend to be forgetful. [The crowd becomes unruly, showering the stage with anything available: Tomatoes, cats, chairs, cans of paint, whipped cream pies.]

They're old. Prunes. Goodnight! [Pete ducks out stage left.]

Defining Quote
"I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?" - Grandpa Gustafson

Celtics in 7