Melo Drama: Ex-Nets Ruin the Fun

So the Melo drama has come to an end, at least for Nets fans. Today, it became official that the proposed four-team megadeal that would send Carmelo Anthony to my beloved home state has been killed.

Which gives us the perfect opportunity to dedicate the necessary time to the most troublesome news bit from the weekend. Reportedly, after Kobe crashed the party, what added most to Melo's hesitancy about moving to Jersey was discussions with former Nets who "warned" him about the Nets' dismal fanbase and poor placement on the New York-area sports totem.

Look. We're not going to dive into the details here, but trust us, these criticisms are unfounded. Yes, we know games at the Izod Center in recent years had the atmosphere of a child's wake; we were there. But things are clearly very different now, so no former Net has any idea what being a Prokhorov employee means.

Any ex-Net badmouthing the team is simply an example of a disgruntled employee lobbing water balloons at a former boss for the hell of it. The same way you call that one restaurant that fired you for having a drink during your shift (when they never even knew for sure, and everyone there drinks on the clock anyway) "The Shitcake Factory." Even though they make pretty good spinach artichoke dip; they serve it with like... pita instead of tortilla chips, which just makes more sense.

Anyway, fuck those former Nets. (If you can't tell, this whole Melo circus has given two of the writers here mad cow disease; our brains don't work that well anymore.)

But as luck would have it, one of our inside sources (who's blessed us a few times in the past) e-mailed us the text messages that Melo got directly from a bevy of former Nets.
We'll be burning our Kidd jersey in public outside the arena in a few weeks. See you there.




Jason Kidd: "I'm a smarmy asshole. Seriously, I'm like the worst."













Kenyon Martin: "Take me with you."











Derrick Coleman: "Am I still alive? Good question, right?"










Kendall Gill: "I had 11 steals in a game one time. In an 88-77 win over the Heat in '99. None of you knew that."











Keith Van Horn: "It's easy work if you can get it. Pays well too."










Devin Harris: "Seriously? You have to know that I'm not a former Net yet."









Stephon Marbury: "No idea what you're referring to. On an unrelated note, I've started naming jellybeans before I eat them."









Vince Carter: "You know what? Since I retired in 2005, I just try not to think about the league that much. It's just not on my radar anymore."