No Regard 2011-2012 Season Previews: Western Conference

The 2011-2012 NBA season has started. Since we're just as confused as you are as to how this squished and truncated season is going to play out, we won't try our hand at stats or scouting reports, but instead stick with what we know: the Proust Questionnaire and oddly prescient "Calvin and Hobbes" strips. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are best equipped to hold the conch—all after the jump!

1. Oklahoma City Thunder

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Kevin Durant

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Thunder Win Despite Durant-Westbrook Spat"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Harden Wins Sixth Man Award, Embraces Metapod Nickname"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Seriously Russell, you can slow down on the Cheetos, you'll have plenty of time up here to enjoy those things."

2. Los Angeles Lakers

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Sparta Native, Troy Murphy

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Derek Fisher is Tired"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Kobe Slaps Media Member, World Peace Joins Ensuing Melee"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Mike, what's LeBron like when the cameras are off?"

3. Memphis Grizzlies

Projected Record: 42-24

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Marc Gasol

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "OJ Mayo Set to be Traded"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Mike Conley to Team Up Again With Greg Oden for Web Series"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Awesome, right?"

4. Dallas Mavericks

Projected Record: 40-26

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Delonte West

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Last Year's NBA Champs Something Something Hangover"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Sean Williams Notches Triple-Double"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Lamar, sorry about all the stuff."

5. Portland Trailblazers

Projected Record: 40-26

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Kurt Thomas

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Oden Not Yet Cleared for Contact"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Blazers Sign Ewing Jr., Start Camby, Ewing, Thomas"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Just go to the Suns already, Greg. Goddamnit." 

6. Los Angeles Clippers

Projected Record: 39-27

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Mo Williams

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Billups Starts At Two-Guard"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Blake Griffin Eschews Props for Dunk Contest Title Defense"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "You're welcome for cancelling the Laker trade. I don't usually mettle in sports, but this was just too damn good to pass up."

7. Denver Nuggets

Projected Record: 39-27

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Timofey Mozgov

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Nuggets Succeeding With Chemistry and Depth"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Kenneth Faried Moves Into Starting Lineup"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "You guys remind me a lot of Twitter."

8. San Antonio Spurs

Projected Record: 35-31

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Tiago Splitter

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Window Closing on Spurs Title Hopes"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Spurs Coach Wears Hawiian Shirt To Game"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Tony, My son, adultery is a sin. But worse, leaving a fox like Eva! I know I'm old, but I still got eyes, you know?" 

9. Houston Rockets

Projected Record: 33-33

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Jeremy Lin

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Houston Misses Former Center Yao Ming"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Marcus Cousin to guard DeMarcus Cousins Against Kings"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "So explain to me one more time what the strategy was? Just grabbing every efficient scorer you could get?" 

10. Utah Jazz

Projected Record: 31-35

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Raja Bell (We loved you in Seven Seconds or Less, bro.)

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Utah Out-Rebounds Opponent, Josh Howard Also There"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Jerry Sloan Asks For Job Back"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Hey Derrick, do me a Favors and go to Hell! HA! Afterlife humor, guys! No, you're good, you're good. C'mon in. Whoa, easy there, Alec Burks... not so fast."

11. Phoenix Suns

Projected Record: 30-36

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Robin Lopez

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Nash Not Getting Any Younger"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Grant Hill Finds Magic Lamp, Actually Is Getting Younger"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Steve! There's beer over there, bud. See you in a minute!"

12. Minnesota Timberwolves

Projected Record: 30-36

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Ricky Rubio

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Kevin Love Nabs Double-Double"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Micheal Beasley Starts For Western All-Stars"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "They should name you Kevin "No" Love! 'Cause you don't care about assists, only padding your rebounding and points stats! Just kidding, a little heaven humor, guys. This is fun, whose having fun?"

13. New Orleans Hornets

Projected Record: 26-40

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Jarrett Jack

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Listless Hornets Blah Blah Blah"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Mark Cuban Buys the Hornets!"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "You're right, this whole thing really got away from me. Wait for the draft lottery. I got you."

14. Golden State Warriors

Projected Record: 25-41

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Kwame Brown

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Coach Jackson Uses All His Timeouts in the First Three Minutes, Trying to Make a Point"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Warriors To Draft Seth Curry"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Honestly, I just got so fucking sick of Mark praying for it that I gave him the job just to shut him up."

15. Sacramento Kings

Projected Record: 20-46

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: DeMarcus Cousins

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "JimmerMania!"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Cousins Figures it Out"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "My Clippers and Trailblazers curses get all the credit, but yours was pretty special in its own way."