No Regard 2011-2012 Season Previews: Eastern Conference

The 2011-2012 NBA season starts on Sunday. Since we're just as confused as you are as to how this squished and truncated season is going to play out, we won't try our hand at stats or scouting reports, but instead stick with what we know: the Proust Questionnaire and oddly prescient "Calvin and Hobbes" strips. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are best equipped to hold the conch—all after the jump!

Words by Pete, Comic Currating by Andrew

1. Miami Heat

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Super Nintendo Chalmers

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bosh's Work In Weight Room Pays Off"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Juwan Howard Hits Game-Winning Half-Court Shot, Retires"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Thought you could win seven rings without asking Me, huh?  Big mistake. And I don't even like the Mavs."

 

NBA Middle Names: Chris Kaman

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Christopher Zane Kaman

Question(s) of the Day: LA Edition

NBA fans everywhere got out of bed this morning, barrelled down their stairs, and barked out a joyous,"Yipeee!" as they started their day. Word that Chris Paul would be joining the Clip Show broke late last night and dreaming of him paired alongside Blake Griffin is about as appetizing as it gets to the NBA geek and casual fan alike. To celebrate, we've compiled a list of questions that came to mind when we heard the news. Please note that these questions regard not only the Clippers but the entire Los Angeles basketball scene:

Bibby's World: Written in Stone

In the past year, I have had the pleasure of calling myself an Atlanta Hawk, a Washington Wizard, a Miami Heat, and now a New York Knick. I know that each time I've been traded, I've said that my new home has been the thing I've always wanted, but THIS TIME I mean it.

If You See Something, Say Something: Bullies, Bibby and Starbury For Life!

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Starbury Dominating Life in China: Fear not, Stephon Marbury lovers, the former Lincoln High School superstar is having his cake on the other side of the world, and crushing it too. According to William Rhoden's New York Times piece, Steph writes for a local paper, is a therapist to the other American players in China, is at peace with his life, and has an amazing apartment. All while averaging 22.3 points per game and leading the Beijing Ducks to an undefeated season to date. Get some, Steph.

David Stern Demands Lunch Money: According to this ESPN.com article, Deron Williams isn't so fond of the commissioner's propensity to give wedgies, push other kids on the playground and smoke cigarettes on school grounds. "You're fighting a bully, man. David Stern is a bully," the superstar guard stated when asked about the Chris Paul situation. Williams did confirm, though, that he does have at least one ally at school: "But I have friends, like, Dwight's my friend, so if I wanna call him and talk to him, I'm gonna call him and talk to him."

No Regard Staffer Joins Knicks!: Popular NBA blogger Mike Bibby has a new team and a fresh start in New York City. The former member of the Grizzles, Kings, Hawks, Wizards and Heat stated that he's "always wanted to play for Mike D'Antoni," in this YouTube video. We couldn't be happier for our special little guy and we expect to hear from the man himself soon!

Clippers Seeking CP3 For Two Reasons: With the Lakers no longer in play, the Clip Show is apparently doing its best to land the most wanted point guard in the league, according to this NBA.com article. If you like players with two first names and alley-oops, check out the 2011-2012 Los Angeles Clippers!

Nets Land Stud, Change Landscape of NBA

In the biggest move so far since the lockout ended, the Net Jersey Nets nabbed wanted man, superstar, and arguably the most coveted free agent on the market: Mr. Candace Parker.

The former member of the Hawks, Timberwolves, Knicks, Nuggets, Kings, and Celtics will most certainly become the favorite target of Deron Williams. He may or may not pair alongside Dwight Howard.

Candace Parker has yet to make an official statement regarding where the couple will reside.

If You See Something, Say Something: Sushi, Mixed Emotions, and Jackson's Passion

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Petro Flies Solo at Nets Gym: The Nets' Johan Petro, was the only player to hit the hardwood when the Nets opened their facility for the first time this season according to this ESPN.com article. After dropping 3.5 points per game in the 2010-2011 season, Petro's clearly on a mission and is wasting no time. Where was Brook Lopez you ask? Filming a gum spot is my best guess.

Steve Kerr's Passion For Sushi: Turner's new mini-series, Open Court, features all of their ex-player-now-analysts waxing poetic about whatever random topic Ernie brings up. From favorite movies to on-court nemeses, these conversations are epic. In the video linked above, we learn that Steve Kerr's favorite food is sushi. And as for Shaq, well, he's all about crushing a brownie as an appetizer.

Does Danny Ainge Like-Like Rondo?: After CP3 for Rondo rumors swirled around Google machines everywhere, Danny Ainge came out on record claiming that, "Rondo knows we love him. Rondo knows we like him." Well, which one is it Danny, do you like him or love him? What are your intentions with my point guard, Danny? You know, Danny, Rajon is special to me, I'd hate to see someone harm him in anyway.

Mark Jackson Won't Accept Mediocrity: This video on the Warriors official website introduces Golden State to their new head coach, Mark Jackson. Preacher, analyst, and player, Jackson spits straight fire every second of every minute in this interview and reminds that he's a coach in the NBA! "Latch onto the back of the bandwagon cause things be changing in the Bay Area." More of that please, but mention Steph Curry next time.

The Lockout Is Over

The 66-game season will start on Christmas Day. We're kind of excited over here. See you all soon.

Lockout Update: Doc Rivers

Is loving the lockout.

Can you blame him?

Lockout Update: Chauncey Billups

Also rocked a red hoodie. Tyson Chandler and Carmelo decided to go with scarves.

Lockout Update: Russell Westbrook

The NBPA rejected the owner's latest offer today, most likely dooming the 2011-2012 NBA season.

Russell Westbrook sported a red zip-up sweatshirt to the announcement.

Lockout Update: Roger Mason

Roger Mason has no qualms sending text messages while Derek Fisher is talking.

Lockout Update: Coach Spo

Coach Spo was recently spotted at a local middle school in Miami.

The staff assumed he was a new student.

Lockout Update: Matt Bonner

Was in attendance at the most recent NBA lockout meeting.

He was joined by some other NBA players.

Question of the Day

Last night's Monday Night Football contest was notable to the staff here only because it matched up the two sweetheart teams of the two best players in the NBA: LeBron and Durant. And thanks to Twitter, we found out the two gentlemen wagered on the game. Unfortunately, they didn't disclose the terms publicly. The only hint we have is one cryptic, gloating tweet from James: "I'll be expecting my package on my doorstep in the a.m @KDTrey5. Thank u sir. Nice doing business with u. Haa."

It's been bothering us all day: What the hell is in that package?

NBA Middle Names: Metta World Peace!

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Metta World Peace!

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: DeMarcus Cousins

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting

9/13/2011, Sacramento, CA, Solar Installer

"Seeking residential solar installer to work with established company. Position is based in Sacramento but territory covers all of northern California. Ideally candidate will have some solar experience or experience in traditional trades. Job requires a lot of travel. Candidate must be willing to stay out of town for most of the week. Duties will include but not limited to the following: Installing residential grid-tied photo-voltaic systems under supervision of lead installer. Organizing shop and assisting with shop duties when needed including receiving new shipments. Must have a good work ethic and able to stay on task until the job is done."

Why He Should Apply


Picture the following scenario for a hot minute: You're a California resident inspired by the nation's recent surge into the solar movement. You want to do your part to help prevent the earth from crumbling at the cruel hands of human-created global warming. So you decide to order solar panels for your house. It's a strong move. You feel good about it.

The next week the delivery truck pulls up, and who hops out? Yeah, DeMarcus Cousins, the feisty power forward on your favorite NBA team, the Sacramento Kings. Does he know what "grid-tied photo voltaic systems" are? Maybe not, but neither do you, right? So relax. Does he have a "good work ethic and can stay on task until a job is done"? you best your ass he can, Mr./Mrs. solar panel purchaser.

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Obviously.

Question of the Day

Today's question of the day requires a bit of history.

Much in the same way that the No Regard editorial staff is unreasonably obsessed with certain oddball NBA players (e.g. Jeff Teague, Marcin Gortat, Steph Curry), we are similarly tickled with certain characters throughout the NFL, MLB and MLS. (For the NHL, our interest pretty much begins and ends with Marty Brodeur). Former U.S. Men's national team goal-keeper and current Seattle Sounders captain, Kasey Keller (or, as we prefer to call him, Uncle Kasey) is one of those men. This weekend, he had one of the more hilarious own goals in the history of soccer, and one of the more incredible and awkward moments we've witnessed in some time.




Taking in this highlight brought me back to a seriously wonky situation during the Rasheed Wallace Era in Boston. Remember those days? Me too, sort of.




So, herein lies the question of the day. Which of these moments brings you more joy?

If You See Something, Say Something: Twins, Canadian Footy and Bald Kings

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Gasols Everywhere!: I won't lie and suggest that I've been avidly following the European Championships or whatever they're called. However, I was seriously tickled when I saw that the Gasol brothers were up to some serious twin shenanigans the other night and combined for 43 points in the second half to take down the Dirk-led German side. Rumor has it that next game they might switch jerseys!

Nash on the Pitch: Steve Nash recently practiced with the MLS' Vancouver Whitecaps, of which he is a part owner. The Canadian stated afterwards that he is by no means ready to become an MLSer. Terrible attitude from Nash, but at least he's getting out there and working at it. One day, maybe... A guy can dream, right?

Labor Talks Increase: I guess I am slightly encouraged by the recent surge in negotiations between the players and owners, but I'm equally angered by the fact that they haven't simply locked themselves in a room with no food and minimal water until this mess is resolved.

Brandon Jennings Disses the King: Does it get any better than Twitter? No, it does not. After LBJ commented on the Maryland University football uniforms (brought to you by Under Armour), Brandon Jennings responded by taking a jab at LeBron's forever-receding hairline. See, Jennings is taking his gig as Under Armour's “Curator of Cool” seriously.

A Frank Conversation: Breakfast With the Franks

Ever since the Nets hired Larry Frank as their full-time head coach, the Teaneck native has burrowed a special place in the hearts of the No Regard editorial staff. Be it his passion for hoops, his boyish looks and demeanor, or the fact that he has two first names, whatever the reason, simply stated, we heart Larry Frank. This undying passion is the motivation behind our new feature: A Frank Conversation, where we look at a hypothetical conversation in the life of the legend, Lawrence Frank.

Breakfast at the Franks:
(Larry Frank is eating pancakes with syrup and is drinking a tall glass of OJ. Susan Frank, Larry's wife, is preparing school lunches for the Frank's two daughters, and Larry. Larry is scribbling notes.)

Larry: Susan, question for you!

Susan: Yes, Larry?

Larry: What sort of offense does the coach of our daughters' basketball team run?

Susan: They don't play basketball.

Larry: Well, I don't have time to find out for sure, but I really hope that isn't true! Susan, question!

Susan: Yes, Larry?

Larry: I can't wait to work with Rodney Stucky on his post-up game.

Susan: That isn't a question, Larry.

Larry: ...

Susan: Do you want the pizza Lunchables today or the ham and cheese?

Larry: Don't care, Susan. I'm busy right now.

Susan: Okay, pizza it is.

Larry: Susan!

Susan: Yes, Larry?

Larry: Good pancakes today, Susan. Thank you.

Susan: You're welcome, Larry.

(The Frank children walk down the stairs, preparing for school)

Larry: Girls, pop quiz! Who's the best point guard currently playing in the NBA?

Daughter #1: Chris Paul?

Larry: Nope! Rodney Stuckey, once I work on his pick-and-pop decision-making.

Daughter #2: Okay Dad.

Larry: Girls! Have a good day, listen to your teacher, and work on your left hand!

Daughter #1: We don't play basketball, Dad.

Larry: Girls! Please don't break Daddy's heart. Susan?

Susan: Yes, Larry.

Larry: Good OJ this morning...

Susan: Thank you, Larry.

Question of the Day

What do you think Evan Turner has planned for Labor Day weekend?

NBA Player Placment Services: Kurt Thomas

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting:
8/15/2011, Throughout Chicagoland, Buffalo Wild Wings Restaurant Managers

"If your a high-energy team player with at least 2 years of restaurant and bar management experience we want to hear from you."

Why He Should Apply:
This one is probably our best suggestion yet. When Scottie Pippen decided he was going transform his post-playing career into that of pitchman and spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings, No Regard, was tickled with joy. "It's a great place to watch a game," proclaimed Pippen after announcing his decision. With Pippen heavily in the fold, there's no stopping Thomas from running a successful and profitable Buffalo Wild Wings location throughout the Chicago area.

As for the "high energy-team player" aspect of the job posting, Kurt's resume speaks for itself. He may not have the required, "2 years of restaurant and bar management experience," but we're pretty sure that Kurt would land the interview; contacts are everything in the buffalo wing business.

What He Should Wear to the Interview:

I can't say I know who those other guys are, but I'm loving Kurt's purple shirt and jeans here.

Who'd You Get?!: Mark Price, SkyBox (1994)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

 Back of the card after the jump.

Regarding This NBA Lockout

I have lived through an NBA lockout, but the the stakes did not seem nearly as high then as they appear to be right now. The consequences of this current mess truly have the potential to change the meaning of the NBA for years to come. During the first lockout, the prospect of superstars gracing the courts of Turkey or China were impossible. The legitimacy of those leagues was so far behind the NBA that for someone like Allen Iverson in 1998 to even mention balling abroad was not just laughable, it was non-existent.

Things are different in the post-modern world of 2011. We live in a global society, a global market and a global sports universe. You want proof?

NBA Middle Names: David Stern

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

David Joel Stern

Question of the Day

When new head coach Mark Jackson takes the Warriors out for their first team dinner, is Steph Curry more likely to order steak or fish?

Panda-monium

So Chris Paul and Melo went to China and then this happened:

Yep.

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing.  Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

I don't think there is anyone out there who is happier about this news than I am, but we here at No Regard are pleased to announce that Tweets of the Week are back!  I'm sorry they were gone for so long.  I promise we will never leave you like that again.  Now onto the merriment!

5. "Rain has to be one of the most calming things ever! #WorDaApP #random-thoughts"

- Nate Robinson

4. "#harrypotter is awesome. Epic ending to a great story."

- Chris Bosh

NBA Player Placment Services: Glen Davis

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.
Craigslist Posting

7/20/2011, Pembroke, MA, Salon/Spa Positions

"Rapture Salon & Spa, in Pembroke Ma., is a modern, full service, upscale salon which has positions available for experienced hair stylist, esthetician and massage therapist who are professional and passionate about their trade. NEW LOCATION! Benefits available.

Looking for employment in an enthusiastic environment? Contact Heather at 781-829-0200. We look forward to meeting you!"
Why He Should Apply

Big Baby has always seeked employment in enthusiastic environments. He's a consummate professional and there is no questioning the passion he holds for his jobs.

Regarding the "experience" required as a hair stylist, esthetician (fuck if we know what that is) and massage therapist, I can only think to quote Neo from The Matrix as an appropriate way of articulating how much that drivel really matters to Glen Davis and his desire to work for Rapture Salon and Spa.

"Yeah, wow, that sounds like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How bout' I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call?"

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Handsome young man, Glen. Massage at will.

Question of the Day

How many times have Mike D'Antoni and his wife seen the Broadway musical Wicked?

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Marcin Gortat

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting

7/18/2011, Scottsdale/Paradise Valley, Swimming Pool Service Repair Tech

"Must have experience and your own truck.
We have a pool route on Friday that we are looking to fill plus repairs.
Please send a resume or call 602-765-2948."

Why He Should Apply
When the Orlando Magic front office had a panic attack early last year and decided to gut their roster and ship half their team off to different cities in the U.S., one of athletes they moved was Marcin Gortat. Big mistake. Gortat was an absolute beast for the Suns in the latter half of the season. He's living proof that one man's trash is another man's treasure. And he'll do the same as a swimming pool service repair tech during this NBA lockout. We'll just assume that he definitely has "experience" fixing pools, and we know he can afford a truck.

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Pictures say a 1,000 words, Marcin.

No Regard Mixtape: Shaquille O'Neal

TNT has made it official: Shaq will be joining Ernie, Chuck and Kenny on the stalwart program that is "Inside the NBA." Which is a relief to us since we thought Shaq was as dead as Laura Palmer. (We're still not really sure where most NBA players go when they retire, so we just assume they're in a morgue somewhere.)

But still, we're all pretty sad about his retirement. Not so much because he's been a contributing member to an NBA team any time recently, but more because watching a childhood behemoth age, crumble, then disappear is a stiff drink of mortality. Thus, we've turned to some of our favorite musicians as a coping mechanism.

The songs are also here to help us parse our own feeling about the Diesel, because he was a much more complicated dude than he let on. The gregarious giant crashed into the NBA like a diabolical hurricane on laughing gas, then was easily the best and most entertaining player in the league for about seven years in the middle of his career.

But around the time his brief tenure with Phoenix ended, it started to bubble up that the spat with Kobe (that broke up what could have been a six-year championship run) was more likely the doing of O'Neal, not Bryant. When coupled with the fact that he was about to leave yet another team on not-great terms, and the fairly nasty rumor that he stole Steve Nash's idea for a television show and turned it into "Shaq Vs.", the Big Nickname's reputation as all around fun dude began to rust a bit. Even during the epoch when he ruled the league, he was criticized for lazing through the regular season and never working hard enough to improve his free throw shooting (the one dim bulb in his trillion-watt repertoire).

But we're pretty sure all the cheer and mayhem he unloaded during his Hall of Fame career outweigh these unfortunate character tics. He won three Finals MVP awards and was named to 15 All Star teams! He starred in two really silly movies! He was a pretty good rapper! He had no regard for backboards! He's one of the few players easily identifiable only from a silhouette! He was incredibly generous with his time and money! He turned the grumpy Celtics from curmudgeons to clowns! He danced with LeBron! He said so many funny things and gave himself so many funny nicknames!

Clearly it's been a road trip filled with both fun and folly. As O'Neal ends his playing career, we wonder which Shaq was the real one, and which one he'll be remembered as. Oddly, his performance on TNT will play a very large role in pinpointing his character and cementing his legacy. Hopefully he'll bump this mixtape in whatever over-sized car he's riding these days and reflect a little bit on himself before he embarks on phase two of his time in the public eye, because we're still rooting for him.

Tracklist after the jump.

NBA Middle Names: Paul Pierce

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Paul Anthony Pierce

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Jeffrey Demarco Teague

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting
 7/6/11, Atlanta, GA: Legal Secretary  

"Experienced Legal Secretary needed for growing law firm downtown. Must be extremely detailed, organized, flexible and must be able to hit the ground running. This position may require light billing. Ideal candidate will have a strong background in Insurance Defense. Must have experience with E-filing, Word, Outlook, Excel. Excellent benefits, location and salary."

Why He Should Apply


Jeffery Demarco Teague spent two years at the storied Wake Forest University. Since then, Teague's been known to hit the ground running, has a strong background in defense and knows how to play a position better than most.

The up-and-coming superstar is more than extremely detailed, organized and flexible.

He'll take the excellent benefits, location and salary, thank you very much. And we're not sure about his experience with E-filing, Word, Outlook, Excel, nor do we know if he has ever spent time working in a law office, or knows anything about law at all. So don't expect much as far as that gibberish is concerned.

What He Should Wear To The Interview

Yes, bring the jersey and hat along with the slick jacket and shirt combination. You're Jeff Teague, goddammit, a Legal Secretary.

Who'd You Get?!: Allen Iverson, SkyBox Premium (1997)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

 

Back of the card after the jump.

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Sasha Vujacic

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.


CRAIGSLIST POSTING: Dog-Walker (Hoboken, NJ)

"A Hoboken based pet care company is looking for a detail oriented, responsible and committed individual to join our dog walking team!


Must be able to work Monday - Friday typically from 10:30 -- 5:30, although there are occasional evening and weekend walks. This is a long-term commitment (6mos. minimum). Great opportunity for a student, musician, or artist!


Must be willing to work during rain, snow, heat and humidity. Animal lover and comfort with dogs of all sizes is crucial. Previous professional experience as a dog walker is NOT required. We train!


Please send a detailed e-mail about yourself, your history with animals, your reasons for wanting to be a dog walker, your qualifications and references. There will be a background check. Please send a phone number where you can be reached."

Why He Should Apply

Happy Fourth of July

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Stephen Curry

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling. 


Craigslist Posting: SF Bay Area, Line Cook - The tipsy PIG (marina/cow hollow)

"Looking for a line cook who has 2 years experience at a highly competitive well known restaurant . Fast past kitchen. Must be organized, clean, fast and detail oriented. Must be a team player. Serve safe a plus. Open schedule. Must be able to work both days, nights and weekends.


Thank you


please only serious career oriented cooks need apply." 

Why He Should Apply

I'm not sure if you follow Steph Curry on Twitter but I do and I've noticed a serious trend in his tweets as of late: So many of them are about food. For instance: "Bomb steak..." Or what about: "Bout to get physical with this club sandwich and afternoon nap." Sure, Steph may not have the necessary "2 years experience" as a line cook, but we certainly can confirm that Steph is organized, clean, fast and detailed oriented. Team player? You bet your ass, team player. Steph Curry represents the definition of "team player." Open weekends, days and nights? He is now.

What He Should Wear To The Interview

 Fun, casual, professional, pinstripe pants. You'll be grilling burgers in no time, Steph!