Emails From Pete: Once In A Lifetime

Hi. You know Pete, right? He wrote this. And this. Good guy. Great guy. Occasionally, Pete will bless the No Regard staff with an email of mythic levels. (Although as someone noted the other day, Pete is not concerned with levels.) Historically, they've been about what he ate for dinner the night before. From now on, we're going to share some of them with you so you can laugh with us, not at us. (C'mon, seriously, stop laughing at us.) The only backstory you need for this email is that it was sent to the nine of us who, with Pete, own Brooklyn Nets season tickets.

"Imagine what it would be like to get to see the greatest team in the history of basketball make their debut performance in Brooklyn, live, with your own two god-given eyes?!

Would you call it a New Years Miracle? A gift from our almighty Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth? Or simply the best day of your life?

You guessed it folks, next Friday's Phoenix Suns tickets could be yours, easily yours, with the simple act of swapping with myself, Peter Dick Brownell.

Luis Scola ring any bells? Goran Dragic tickle any funny bones? Michael FUCKING Beasley fire up the pistons in your amygdala?

Do you realize this game has the chance to be the best game in NBA history? Could it go to 7 overtimes? Probably. Might Latrell Sprewell rush to court to finish what he started with P.J. Carls? More than likely.

What will you tell your great grand kids when they're watching the most epic sporting event in the history of humanity, and you had the opportunity to see it, up close and personal? Cry probably, you'll probably start bawling.

Don't make that mistake.

Contact me to trade. Just do it, Nike."

No Regard Preview: Coach McHale!

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Los Angeles Clippers vs. Houston Rockets

I forgot that Kevin McHale is a coach in the NBA. There's just a lot going on, you know? He coaches the Houston Rockets! He has many assistant coaches working for him, some of which include strength-and-conditioning coach Darryl Eto (who went to Arizona University) and assistant trainer Jason Biles (who attended North Florida). Coach McHale has players he coaches every day that have to listen to him! Players like long-haired Argentinian Luis Scola and efficient scorer Kevin Martin are required to pay attention to Kevin when he's breaking down some new breed of offensive strategy. The former TNT commentator, Minnesota GM and Boston Celtic walks into the arena for practice and the janitors say, "Hey Coach," and Kevin McHale smiles and gives a big wave back. He's proud of himself. And we are, too.

As for the Clippers? Lob City baby!!

One Game We Won't Watch Tonight: Dallas Mavericks vs. Phoenix Suns

The truth is that we might watch this, but by watch this we mean we'll have the game on and we'll be texting the entire time debating over where Steve Nash and Dirk will be going after the game and how many drinks they'll be having. Then we'll ponder what type of drinks: beer, shots, whiskey, tequila? Then we'll dive into if they ordered steak or not and determine that Steve probably did not; he is a healthy eater. Then we'll remind ourselves that Dirk loves pizza so we'll settle on that.

Earning Those Cheetos

Semi-Finals, baby! Team USA bested Russia behind inspired efforts from OKC's finest today in Turkey. Westbrook came up with steal after steal and was able to fly to the rim for some powerful finishes and KD was deadly as usual on the offensive end for the red, white and blue.

The Russians battled in the first half, keeping the game close with offensive rebounding and solid jump-shooting, but they could not find an answer to America's gambling defense during the 3rd quarter. It was a dominating half for the Yanks. Looking ahead, they potentially face a piping-hot Luis Scola-led Argentina team in a game that awards the winner a spot in the finals of this tournament.

Two more wins and Lady Liberty proves once again that basketball's international crown rightfully belongs to the United States of America. Enjoy those cheesy snacks, Westbrook; you burned off those calories, man.