Our relationship with LeBron is reaching Inception-sized levels of confusion. He was so good and kind to us for so long; he made us happy. But this summer we realized he was more Zooey Deschanel than Meg Ryan, more manic pixie dream girl than stable and perfect object of affection. Or maybe he's most like Sarah Marshall.
See? He's got us all mixed up. Regardless, during "The Decision" and its aftermath, we finally realized we were in a destructive relationship. All the things he did that made us happy? He did them for himself, not us. We should have figured this all out long ago, but any time the thought trickled in, he swooned us with another new handshake or giggle-inducing look-away pass. "See?! He's a great teammate! He cares!" We know he's bad for us, but we just can't shake him. Reminders of the good times are everywhere... Jesus, we named our site after one of his grandest highlights.
So, as any heartbroken young adult is taught to do by John Cusack, we've made a mixtape for you, LeBron. Listen to the entire thing. Some is vicious, we admit; we want you to know you hurt us. But pay attention, because we have room for forgiveness and we want some form of success for you. We're compassionate. But we'll never go steady again.
