No Regard 2011-2012 Season Previews: Western Conference

The 2011-2012 NBA season has started. Since we're just as confused as you are as to how this squished and truncated season is going to play out, we won't try our hand at stats or scouting reports, but instead stick with what we know: the Proust Questionnaire and oddly prescient "Calvin and Hobbes" strips. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are best equipped to hold the conch—all after the jump!

1. Oklahoma City Thunder

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Kevin Durant

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Thunder Win Despite Durant-Westbrook Spat"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Harden Wins Sixth Man Award, Embraces Metapod Nickname"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Seriously Russell, you can slow down on the Cheetos, you'll have plenty of time up here to enjoy those things."

No Regard 2011-2012 Season Previews: Eastern Conference

The 2011-2012 NBA season starts on Sunday. Since we're just as confused as you are as to how this squished and truncated season is going to play out, we won't try our hand at stats or scouting reports, but instead stick with what we know: the Proust Questionnaire and oddly prescient "Calvin and Hobbes" strips. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are best equipped to hold the conch—all after the jump!

Words by Pete, Comic Currating by Andrew

1. Miami Heat

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Super Nintendo Chalmers

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bosh's Work In Weight Room Pays Off"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Juwan Howard Hits Game-Winning Half-Court Shot, Retires"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Thought you could win seven rings without asking Me, huh?  Big mistake. And I don't even like the Mavs."