No Regard 2011-2012 Season Previews: Eastern Conference

The 2011-2012 NBA season starts on Sunday. Since we're just as confused as you are as to how this squished and truncated season is going to play out, we won't try our hand at stats or scouting reports, but instead stick with what we know: the Proust Questionnaire and oddly prescient "Calvin and Hobbes" strips. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are best equipped to hold the conch—all after the jump!

Words by Pete, Comic Currating by Andrew

1. Miami Heat

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Super Nintendo Chalmers

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bosh's Work In Weight Room Pays Off"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Juwan Howard Hits Game-Winning Half-Court Shot, Retires"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Thought you could win seven rings without asking Me, huh?  Big mistake. And I don't even like the Mavs."

 

 

2. Boston Celtics

Projected Record: 52-14

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Jermaine O'Neal

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Garnett Offends [Opposing Player Name Here] In Celtics Win"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Doc Rivers Plans On Drafting Austin Rivers"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Seriously, Danny, what do you have against Rondo? Love thy point guard, buddy."

3. New York Knicks

Projected Record: 51-15

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Baron Davis

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Chandler's Defense, Attitude Key In Knicks Success"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Melo, LeBron Drop 60 In Triple-OT Thriller At MSG"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Sorry Coach, but I know you made a deal with the devil for that meatball recipe."

4. Chicago Bulls

Projected Record: 50-16

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Joakim Noah

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bulls Grind Out 80-79 Victory."

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Hot Deng, Comin' In Hot"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Derrick, don't tell anyone, but after I finished you, I took Monday off also."

5. Indiana Pacers

Projected Record: 45-21

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Tyler Hansbrough

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Pacers Bring Bulls to Brink, Lose Anyway"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Emmy-winner Hibbert to Cameo On 'Parks and Recreation' Again"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?:

"I really never intended Reggie to catch on like that. Never. I mean, I clearly went for broke with his sister."

6. Orlando Magic

Projected Record: 42-24

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: JJ Redick

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Dwight Howard to the Nets Off the Table"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For:  "Hedo Back to Old Form, Attributes Success to Pizza"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Dwight, you didn't eat any steroids while I wasn't looking right? I've been bragging about you to Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy at our weekly poker game."

 

7. Atlanta Hawks

Projected Record: 40-26

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Jeffrey DeMarco Teague

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Hawks vs. Magic Tonight on TNT"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Jeff Teague to Run For Mayor of Atlanta"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?:  "Sorry, Marvin, no martians allowed."

8. Philadelphia 76ers

Projected Record: 35-31

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Evan Turner

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "76ers Not Finding Jrue Holiday Enough"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Iggy Traded, Finally"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Who cares about you guys, I'm worried sick about Allen Iverson."

9. New Jersey Nets

Projected Record: 34-32

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Jordan Farmar

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Nets Players Wish It Was Next Year"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "All Four Williamses Hit Double Figures in Nets Victory"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Sorry about your voice coach. We were sucking on ballons when it was time to make you and the leprechauns thought it'd be funny."

10. Charlotte Bobcats

Projected Record: 30-36

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Eduardo Najera

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "MJ Still Lacks Self-Awareness, Sports Hitler Moustache"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Kemba Walker Never Stops Smiling"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Coach, what was it like being replaced by Mike Brown?"

11. Milwaukee Bucks

Projected Record: 29-37

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Steven Jackson [Ed. Duh!]

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bogut Productive in Buck's Loss"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Steven Jackson Starts Super Successful Charity"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I swear to myself that I had nothing to do with that deer running into that bar."

12. Washington Wizards

Projected Record: 25-41

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: JaVale McGee

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Wizards Beat Nets"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Wall High-Fives Obama After Dunk"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Seriously, John, can you teach Me how to Dougie?"

13. Detroit Pistons

Projected Record: 24-42

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Head Coach, Larry Frank

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Pistons Lose Despite Masterful Gameplan From Coach Frank"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Coach Frank Out-Coaches Opposing Coach"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I love you Lawrence Frank." 

14. Toronto Raptors

Projected Record: 20-46

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Leandro Barbosa

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Raptors Are Still A Team"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "DeRozan Sounds Off On Dunk Contest, Again"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Don't get mad at me, I gave you Vince when he was still Vince."

15. Cleveland Cavaliers

Projected Record: 18-48

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Anderson Varejao

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Cavs Fans Still Bitter About LeBron"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Harangody Gets A Uniform"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Now, Daniel, jealousy is a sin. I've been reading your thoughts regarding Mario Chalmers."