Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume Four

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia—papers, drawings, notes—are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

Okay, guys. Last Basement Tape. Here are the remaining fragments of my childhood insanity captured for posterity and for giggles. Hope you enjoyed them. Now I just need to find a venue to air my adolescent rap lyrics...

Artifact #1: A list of basketball players who wear the number "1" on their jerseys

Oh yeah, and Warren Moon and Gary Anderson(?)(!) too.

Artifact #2: An essay on things that bothered me

Turning a list of pet peeves into a hit song eighteen years after I turned mine into a school essay, Chief Keef? That's that shit that bothers me. On the real, I still hate it when the other team has three guys on me and I can't do anything. Can I live?!

Artifact #3: A folder of Jerry Stackhouse taking it to the hole on some dudes with goofy jerseys

While not quite as awesome as the Shawn Kemp folder from the last go-round, this one is definitely still a winner. I made the all the Raptors players red, just like the raptors on their very timeless pinstripe jerseys. Hilarious. I also drew black lipstick on Jerry Stackhouse so that he looked like a lady. A bald lady. Classic.

Artifact #4: An essay on sports

Hey, you ever heard of sports? They're pretty neat. One of my favorite things to do in my spare time, playing sports. Although these days, the fact that playing basketball requires a lot of energy would certainly not make it into my persuasive essay on why you should play sports. My Brooklyn rec league team played a high school junior varsity team recently. We have five or six guys who are over 6'3". We won by two. Babies be runnin'. True story.

Artifact #5: A drawing of the temple that I deserve

There's nothing weird about claiming my name as an Egyptian God is Allah. You're weird, guy. Just put me in that temple with a basketball and a CD player for listening to Wu-Tang anytime I damn well please. I'll be cool.

Artifact #6: My retirement speech, from when I retire from the NBA

Daddy's coming home, Tre.